Hallie and Travis

For many, many months we’ve laughed at Travis’s acrobatic eyebrows. When he’s excited about something, they shoot WAY up his forehead. We’ll often mimic this expression, alternating a glower with eyebrows as high as we can make them go.

I don’t even know what the topic was, but something got T charged up at lunch yesterday. His eyebrows went up, and while we all laughed at him, Gum made a similar face back at him. Without missing a beat, Travis said (perfectly seriously), “Gum, there’s something wrong with your eyes!” There’s the pot calling the kettle black if I’ve ever seen it.

We had a great–if short–visit from Gum and Gup this weekend. They changed their plans a bit based on the forecast for Virginia. A good thing, too–they ended up getting home just before 6 inches of snow arrived.

The kids were, as always, ecstatic about seeing Gum and Gup. They had their chairs set up in the foyer, and shrieked and danced as soon as “Gum’s Prius” appeared. After being showered with quite the array of gifts, including gorgeous hand-knit sweaters from Gum for the kids, and a hanging “sea” to transform the playroom from Aunt Anna and Uncle David, we had a fun dinner at Royal India. Hallie ate so much she looked at least 5 months pregnant by the end of the meal. And Travis did a great job of tasting several things, even if his main courses were rice and bread.

Travis became very attached to his Gup Friday night. Everything that needed doing for him, Travis would announce “Gup can do it.” I went to change T’s diaper and he pushed me away. “No, Gup can do it!” (I’m sure Gup was thrilled.) I started to brush his teeth. “No! Gup can do it!” They clearly enjoyed each other during stories, though of course Travis then wanted each remaining adult to “check on him” before he settled down.

On Saturday, the girls ran an errand and had a “tea party” at Target while the guys made the first trip of the day to Lowe’s. We ended up back at Lowe’s during T’s naptime for supplies to fix a broken toilet. A piece (clearly on its last legs already) came off in Gup’s hand when he was adjusting something else.

Poor Gup spent much of the rest of the visit trying to get things back in working order for us. Hallie, always the cheerleader, must have asked him a dozen times, “But WHY did you break the toilet, Gup?” She never quite absorbed that it was an accident and not something he set out to do. At at least one point she gave him very specific instructions on how he could have avoided breaking it. Something along the lines of “If you’d just held down on the end of that piece while you pulled up on the other end, you wouldn’t have broken it.” Gup commented several times that she was quite right, and if he’d done it her way it wouldn’t have broken. I guess we have a second plumber in the family.

Hallie and Gum and I enjoyed the gorgeous afternoon in the backyard, and T got in a little playtime before Gum and Gup had to hit the road. We were sad to see them go so quickly but thrilled to have had them for a little while at least. And it was a little easier knowing that Gum will be back on Saturday and stay most of a week while Mark is in China. And we’ve got more visiting lined up for the end of March (Wesley’s first birthday) and early April (spring break). So we’ve got lots to look forward to!

Hallie went ice skating for the second time on Sunday at her friend Ashley’s birthday party. The party included some time with an instructor, which was great. The instructor seemed to expect all the girls to get right out there on their own. Many had been before, but I think a few leapt right into things on their first try.

Hallie was nowhere near ready to do that. And I don’t think that was because she was already used to being out there holding on to me, though I’ll never know that for sure. We got off to a rocky start when she had a hard landing on her first fall. And she couldn’t master getting up on her own (an important piece of things). So she started off frustrated and clingy. But boy did that change.

For most of the lesson she still wasn’t willing to let go of me. But I felt myself supoorting less and less of her weight. She progressed more slowly than the other girls (and it’s possible they’d all been skating before) but by the end of the session, she was getting from one side of the rink to the other by herself (albeit very slowly). She could even get herself pointed in a new direction without falling. She really learned the value of holding her arms straight out for balance and using the “safety position” if she felt wobbly. She was super, super pleased and of course I went on and on about how hard she’d worked even when she was frustrated, and how big a result she got.

Before the party I had asked her if she wanted to take lessons. She surprised me by saying maybe after she was done with soccer–we’d just signed her up for another session. I had thought she’d be eager to try it. I think skating lessons would be great for her but I’m not going to push it. Maybe we’ll just get out there ourselves a few times and see if she’s interested in doing more. Frankly we picked up so much in that little lesson that a private lesson or two might be just as worthwhile. But it’s up to my girl.

In addition to the frequent T storms, which are fierce but blow over very quickly, we’ve also faced a few more-severe, longer-lasting H storms. The last I wrote about was on Valentine’s Day, and we had another one last night. My theory that it’s all about sleep was undermined since Hallie actually took a nap yesterday. But at dinnertime she lost it and never got it back together.

The precipitating factor last night was that she threw away the foil wrappings of some Valetine’s candy that she’d meant to keep. We have a policy that we don’t take things out of trash cans, and she went nuts when I told her to leave it there. (I ended up relenting, which I shouldn’t have done, but she was already over the edge.)

I don’t even remember what all else set her off for the rest of the evening. She didn’t like where Mark plugged the blowdryer in–it looked “ugly draped over the headboard.” She didn’t like her pajamas or her stories. And she pitched a major screaming fit over each thing that was “wrong” with the “terrible, terrible night.”

Travis was my charge for bathtime and Mark and I were to switch kids for storytime. I stayed out of their way while he got Hallie ready for bed. But Hallie knew I was frustrated with her and kept saying, “I feel like you aren’t being sweet to me like you’re being to Travis.” and “You aren’t giving me sweet looks when you walk by.” and “I feel like you don’t love me right now.” Of course I countered the last one, but I also explained that I WAS frustrated with her behavior and we’d talk about it at bedtime.

We ended up having a good talk that really shed some light on things for me. I put a lot of emphasis on my unconditional love, the difference between how I feel about her and how I sometimes feel about her behavior, the fact that there are times when I’ll be frustrated (and show it) but that never changes my love for her, etc. When I talked to her about how I had wanted her to settle down and talk about things calmly when she was upset about the candy wrappers, she said “I was trying and trying but I just couldn’t do it.” A light bulb went on for me. I’ve heard her say things like that before, but last night helped me understand that I think she really IS trying but once she gets into that mode, she loses control and can’t get it back together again. And once she gets that fragile, even a temporary peace is quite easily broken.

Somehow I was always thinking that she was acting that way to try to get whatever it was she wanted. But now it seems much more like she gets charged up and doesn’t know what to do with all that emotion. We talked about some tools for calming down–counting to ten, taking deep breaths–that might help. And I put a bunch of relevant books on hold at the library.

I still need to have a follow-up conversation with her when she’s calm and attentive so we can plan for another episode together. I know we haven’t been consistent in sticking to our “nos” when she gets in such a state. I think we need to be solid in our responses but also really work with her to calm down so that we can talk about things and perhaps come to a different response together. I’m sure there’s more to come on this topic . . .

I don’t want to jinx us, but the last few naps and bedtimes have been much smoother than a week ago. Last week Travis seemed to pitch a major fit each time. We’re trying to make sure he doesn’t nap too late, and that may be helping. Or maybe he’s just gotten through that stage. That would be nice!

I’ve also seen a lessening of the “I don’t like being told no” tantrums, though they are far from gone. Getting into his carseat is the most consistent battle–he always wants to roam the car or sit in Hallie or Daniel’s seats. And things like “you can’t have a popsicle before dinner” still don’t go over well. But he’s getting so little reaction from us that I think he’s starting to see it’s not worth the effort.

I know I wrote about this earlier, but it’s worth mentioning again. When I was sick several weeks ago and had trouble talking, I realized how little raising my voice with the kids worked. Other than speaking loudly to get someone’s attention, I don’t think I’ve done that since then. And with that has come a lovely, detached calm in the face of whatever crisis is going on. It’s incredibly relieving and empowering to not feel my own emotions escalate to match those of the kids. And I’m guessing it’s a good example for them to see.

Tonight for dinner I made a Chana Masala, a favorite Indian recipe. It’s mostly chickpeas, with some onions and a yummy sauce. The kids have had it many times and usually like it, especially since I often serve it with couscous. Tonight, though, Travis was pleading for more couscous without having eaten anything else.

“Try some of your Chana Masala,” I suggested.

“I don’t LIKE Chana Masala!”

“You need to eat some Chana Masala before you get any more couscous.”

“I don’t LIKE Chana Masala.”

Ready to let it go, I tried one last approach. “OK, then just eat your chickpeas.”

“OK,” said Travis. And he started happily eating his chickpeas, which of course made up 90% of the Chana Masala.

Whatever works!

I’ve never been really into all the “stuff” related to minor holidays. I had fun helping the kids make their Valentine’s and hearing their excitement about their parties and exchanging things with their friends. We flew our Valentine’s flag, and Hallie spent the day covered in hearts from head to toe. I went to Travis’s school party and had fun seeing his classroom in action. I spent a lot of time with both kids making cards for Mark and for their grandparents. And I set out for a morning surprise the cute gifts their Gum and Gup sent for them.

What I DIDN’T do was prepare anything for them from us. It’s not even that I forgot. I knew how many treats and presents they’d be getting. Maybe I was being a Scrooge, but I didn’t feel the need to add even more stuff to their overflowing playroom, and I honestly didn’t think they’d notice. Oops!

Shortly before dinner last night, this lapse occurred to Hallie. She’d given things to lots of people herself. And she’d seen me and Mark exchange cards and admired the roses he gave me. And any other night, her reaction would have been more modest if she’d reacted at all. But last night she was exhausted and hungry and needy. And then she realized we hadn’t given her any presents. She LOST it. “I feel like I’ve just been overlooked,” she wailed. “I just feel so sad that my own family didn’t give me anything for Valentine’s Day.” “I feel like something is missing because you didn’t give me anything.” “I feel like you forgot me and I just want you to keep hugging me.”

Of course I felt guilty (and, OK, mildly amused at the level of drama this created). And I briefly entertained the “run out to the store and buy something to make it better” impulse. But I resisted that approach, and Mark and I both explained in several different ways how we’d helped them have a special Valentine’s Day even without giving them things. And how we never want them to think that getting things from us is a sign of our love for them. None of this made much headway with our distraught girl. I’m not sure anything would have. And she could just as easily have latched onto something else to be hysterical about last night.

Still, I think I’ll rethink my approach next time. Or at least lay some more groundwork so expectations are realistic. And we’ll definitely have another talk with a rested, rational Hallie to make sure she understands a bit better what we were telling her last night. In the meantime, I sure hope we don’t have a repeat performance of that reaction anytime soon!

We’re reassessing of our household sleep patterns, though some of it is out of our control. We had a doozy of an evening with Hallie last night. She was obviously over-tired, though heaven forbid you say that to hear. She completely lost it before dinnertime. I finally managed to get some food in her, and she cheered up enough to make it through some games and a bath. She fell asleep quietly after stories and seemed well rested today. And she’s napping now, after our crazy morning.

Travis was another story last night. He’d had his full nap, and at bedtime he was not at all interested in sleeping. He screamed bloody murder when Mark left him. His complaining went on on and off and then really began escalating. Mark went to check on him, and as soon as the door opened I could hear the wails turn to happy chatter. Mark was in there for 30 minutes, and I’m kicking myself for not turning on the monitor. Mark said Travis probably said 1000 words in that time. He talked nonstop. Apparently he hadn’t said his fill for the day and wasn’t ready to go to sleep.

I think that’s the last time I let him sleep until 5:30. Until now it hasn’t been a problem, but twice recently Mark has spent a long time with a wide-awake T well after bedtime. Travis has also been complaining vociferously when left at naptime. It seems completely behavioral–the instant you open the door he’s happy, and when you leave he starts in again. The last several naptimes I’ve just left him complaining and he’s been asleep well before Hallie’s stories were done.

He’s doing another strange thing, now, though. The last few days he’s woken several times during each nap, wailed or called for me for less than a minute, and then fallen back to sleep. I’m not sure he’s really even awake. He’s been having a LOT of tantrums–not long ones, but pitching big fits when he’s denied something he wants or reprimanded for a behavior. I’m sure this is all tied up with the sleep issues and his testing boundaries, asserting independence, striving for control, etc. We’ve been through several mini-phases like this, and they only seem to last a few days. I hope this one sticks to that pattern!

Today was conference day at Hallie’s school. Since there was no class for the kids, and conferences were “adult-only,” I teamed up with two friends to jointly watch our five kids. We started out taking refuge in the van, and a DVD of the Little Mermaid kept everyone occupied for a while.

The boys started getting restless first. Soon they were climbing in and out of the van (tracking great clods of mud as they went) and getting in the way of the movie screen. The girls took a turn at coloring and reading, but before long we shooed them all outside to play. We had better luck keeping everyone occupied in the CHR courtyard. Between 3 swings, two big trucks, and sidewalk chalk (and warm coats and hats), the kids enjoyed themselves through the rest of the three conferences.

Afterwards (after all the girls giggled through the fun of using the portable potty in the back of the van so as not to disturb the next conference) we headed to Backyard Burger. Everyone enjoyed a happily chaotic lunch. Near the end, we heard murmurs of Natalie going to Goodberry’s and of course everyone else wanted to go too. I wasn’t thrilled but decided not to fight it and said yes. Turns out Julie felt the same way. And then Natalie got in trouble (I missed the offense) and had the ice cream privilege revoked. But by then we were committed.

So, on one of the colder days of the year, Travis, Aiden, Hallie, Afton, Julie, and I trekked next door. In the sun it wasn’t that bad. Hallie and T ate about half of their shared ice cream, and then the kids had a ball tearing around the fountain for about 30 minutes. Travis and “my best friend Aiden” have played together several times and get really excited about seeing each other. Trucks seem to be their common bond, and they always trade immediately, much more interested in each other’s things than their own.

Hallie has never been too fond of Afton, who had had several episodes of calling Hallie names. That all came to a head last week, though, and after some stern intervention from teachers and her parents, it seems to have been stopped. Hallie and Afton had a blast together this afternoon. I’m hoping that bond will carry over. It’s so handy having a family with kids so close in age to ours and a mom I really like. It’s ideal playdate material if everyone gets along!

At one point Hallie and I headed back to BYB for a potty stop. On the way she declared, “Afton IS my friend!” But what really made me laugh was when we were washing our hands and she announced, very seriously, “It’s nice to have bathrooms.” I guess one episode of roughing it in the back of van was enough for her!

I spent the morning hearing Hallie’s teachers sing her praises. Who wouldn’t enjoy that? This was our first formal “conference,” though I’ve been in several times to observe, and I talk frequently with her teachers. The mom before me described the structure as “They discuss strengths and weaknesses and talk about what they are working on and where they are going.”

In Hallie’s conference, they skipped the discussion of “weaknesses.” It was ALL positive. I’d post a transcript if I had it. I don’t, so I’ll note some of the comments I can remember.

“Hallie is so quick. When you give her instruction in something, she gets it immediately.”

“Hallie is so kind. She’s very helpful and considerate of her classmates and always happy to help someone out.”

“She is very good in a group but also does quite well working on her own, which a lot of the students don’t do.” (I asked how she was doing socially and they said just beautifully. She’s got good friends and enjoys group play but also entertains herself quite well.)

“Her memory is amazing. I’m having to work to keep up with her!”

“She’s a very good teacher.”

“Her reading is really incredible. It’s just taken off.” (She’s quite close to starting to work on writing her own stories–when I told her that, she was thrilled!)

“Hallie really enjoys math.” Second teacher: “Hallie really enjoys everything!”

“She is so calm and methodical. She takes great care with her work.” This touched on the only thing even close to a criticism–Ms. Gretel said, “Sometimes I do have to say, ‘Hallie–Hurry Up!’”

“Hallie will do well at whatever chooses and wherever she goes.”

The teachers shared some anecdotes of Hallie’s behavior in class. It was fun to hear echoed back so many of the things we work on at home. At one point her partner left their work without finishing the clean up. Hallie invited her back, saying “It all goes so much faster when we work together!” Hmm. She hears that a lot when we do clean-up around here.

In a nutshell, I was told my girl was kind, thoughtful, quick, considerate, respectful, easily engaged, interested in everything, good at sticking with things, eager to learn, a hard worker, and a pleasure to have in class. A mommy couldn’t hope for much more than that. I’m awfully proud of her.